My DMV story part 1

Everyone hates the DMV. The lines are long and most people there are there for only two reasons 1) legal issues 2) renewing their license.  None of which are pleasant. The first time I got my license, I had just turned 16….that day….and was ready to the hit the road unsupervised. I waited for 4 hours. Well worth it, but now? As an adult? I’d rather do my own taxes.

Anyways, it’s that time of the year and I have to renew my license. I go as early as possible….right before the lunch hour hoping to be the rush.

I walk in and cannot believe my eyes. The place is empty. All 5 employees are standing there quietly chatting. As soon as the door shuts behind me…still stunned…an employee looks at me and shushes me. They all laugh.

I approach the counter and one of them says, “don’t say a word.”

Another, “don’t jinx us.”

I couldn’t believe it. I had one the DMV lottery. I did not have to wait in line. I did not have to stand next to an alcoholic who has no remorse for losing their license….no single parent with all of their children not being supervised.

I bid them farewell and say enjoy the rest of your afternoon…and then 6 people walk in…..I felt bad. I glance back to the counter and made eye contact with the employee who helped me. It wasn’t a scowl, but it wasn’t a smile. I jinxed them….As I walk to my car I see 2 others pull up….I felt worse.

‘Walked out’ – HR Disaster

I work in a human service agency and we have recently tried to expand our services. It’s hard to find the right employee, let alone find someone to work in an area that is impoverished and the pay grade is much lower. You really hope you find someone who understands the mission and the area. Recent grads? They want money. Retirees? They’re less qualified other than their experience and it’s hard for them to change. Anyways…you hope for the sweet spot, someone with experience and nowhere close to retiring.

Well, my company hires someone who has experience (check) the right degree (check) and willing to work for the lower pay (check). The holy grail of employees in human service.

Now, my employer is not what you imagine when you hear our commercials or advertisements. You’d think a ‘reputable’ human service organization, grant funded, would have some checks and balances, but it doesn’t. We’re currently going through turmoil with hiring of professionals (or lack thereof).

Anyways, the boss hires someone they know personally. He brags about it practically. A professional…….in a wheel chair. Now, don’t take this as me judging. I don’t care. I’m not even involved with hiring at this point. I think it’s great and I’m happy to meet new co-worker. I think nothing of it. But HR…………………………………. HR has a different idea. HR makes this entire journey….’an issue.’

Now, let me tell you…our HR Director? Incompetent. I don’t think she even knows how to read, but she starts spouting off laws and things which I presume she’s heard on TV as fact. Managements eats it right up.

A few months pass by and HR seems to bring up the ….”behavior”…..of the employee in question. I think nothing of it. I’m not involved and its not even in my area.

Four months later. I sit in a management meeting and hear HR say, “We need to fire this bitch.” I couldn’t believe. Stellar reviews. Reports indicate all but the stated. I ask, “why is this?” and she responds, “I don’t like how she documents her work.”

Now, I know this is not the case. This is some smoke screen of an act. Either way, I go with it. It’s not my area.

The next day, she’s fired. I ask the Director of Human Resources and she says, “She was walked out” …then, pantomimes..she was walked out by pretending she was rolling a wheel chair.

I realized then, I needed a new job.


Jay Z Song

I was cutting through a parking the other day and didn’t think much of it. All of a sudden I saw lights on behind me. PD? For what?

I happily oblige and pull over…why wouldn’t I? I have no drugs no guns I wasn’t speeding.

*Officer approaches*

*I hit the window down button * (I mean, I ‘rolled’ the window down? Are we still describing it that way?)

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

No, I honestly don’t, I responded.

“You cut across the parking lot”

…Is….that a illegal?

“Look, this is a store parking, there are people walking out here, you could have hit someone”

Well, I didn’t and I’m nowhere near the front door.

“Are you getting smart with me?”

No I’m not, I’m stating a fact and I asked whether or not what I did was illegal. You avoided my question.

“Oh, are you a lawyer?”

I haven’t passed the bar, but I know a little bit.

Officer is deadpan.

Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit.

Officer is deadpan.

It’s a Jay Z lyric. I was making a joke

“I know that.” The Officer continues to stare.

“Look, don’t cut across lanes in my parking lot, understand?”

Yes sir.

Hole New Perspective

It’s no surprise that I do not like my boss. Most people don’t. It’s not that I think less of my boss or even hate her, but I just don’t like her. Personality? Creative Differences? Do I even have good reasons? Sure. Meetings get re-arranged…work plans adjusted…staff get re-directed on other projects…my whole team gets rearranged and workflow gets fucked, but that’s okay.

It is. Because we always get what we need to get done. THESE things don’t bother me. It’s her personality. Slight condescension? Playing favorites with other staff? Sure sure. Making up words? That one irks.

She said ‘frozy’ once to describe a frozen drink. It’s not even a cute way of saying it. It’s as if her brain stopped working due to too much ativan and wine or something.

She’s never high strung so that’s my assumption. We work in a high-stress industry. For the sake of anonymity and the smallest amount of respect I have, I won’t go into detail, but when everyone else is ‘turnt’ to 11 and the one person who should also be ‘turnt’ to 11 is humming at a cool 8.5? the pace where you walk a normal speed, but talk slightly slower and with a draw and you didn’t grow up in the South.

Either way, I usually get over it. Especially after today.

She walks in and usually passes my office without a word, will say hi to all the staff in cubicles around me though. Yes, it’s very noticeable. But today, mostly everyone is out. I see her walk by and she is wearing a pantsuit….with a gaping hole in the crotch. Luckily, she was wearing spanks too.  Now, I know what you’re thinking…and yes, I did not say anything. She walked around the office for a good hour. I texted a co-worker down the hall who also knows of my feelings as she has the same feelings I do. And I know you could invoke “girl code” …but this isn’t like slipping a tampon under the stall to a stranger…or holding a stranger’s hair back as one hugs the porcelain.

Later that day, I hear, “ugh, hey Akiko?”

“Yes?” (with a condescending tone)

*whispers* “you have a hole in your pants”

*slightly louder whisper* “I do?! Thank you for telling me! Oh my god I’m so embarrassed”

*whispers* “Sure no problem!”

I grin. I grinned that entire day.


So this little interaction just happened. I take off for the hardware store during my lunch break. All I need are those paper lawn bags. Sure, it’s winter, but I wasn’t able to get to my leaves in time and lo and behold after Thanksgiving, you can’t find them.

I’m not your DIY kind of guy so every time I step into a hardware store I’m a little overwhelmed and amazed that your average person shops here, let alone actually builds or installs any of this stuff. New bathroom? Wow, you installed and put in all this effort where you want to shower and brush your teeth.

I walk in, I walk into another guy shopping. He’s got a few inches on me but a bit taller, but much older.

“Excuse you”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t even see you there. Honestly”

“Apparently, not”

Now at this point, I just apologized and was hoping that this interaction would be over soon, much like this errand. But no, it does not.

“Apparently you need to watch where the hell you’re going.”

“Look I said I’m sorry. I think I’m in the wrong aisle anyways.”

“Well what the hell are you even looking for over here, this is lawn and garden and it’s the dead of winter.”

(Mind you, I also bumped into this gentlemen in lawn and garden, but irony…well never mind)

Now here’s where it really just goes down hill.

“I was looking for rope actually.” then I sighed.

“Rope? just rope? Try Aisle 15”

Hold on, does this guy work here? Maybe he’s a frequently flier.

“Yeah, rope and a step stool.”

“I don’t need a receipt or nothing.”

The guy gets visibly uncomfortable. He starts to walk away and shakes his head and ‘shoos’ at me.

Now I could let this go and go back to work, but now I’m pretty unnerved at this guy. I decide to run around the store and look for a step ladder and rope. I stalk the gentleman from aisle to aisle until I figure out where he’s headed.

I quickly set up my step ladder which I do not intend to buy at all and I grab the rope and drape it over myself. Conveniently I am in the section with overheard shelves and can sling the rope over it.

He wanders down the aisle aimlessly and I just stare forward as if I am imagining this is the end. I glance down and notice he’s stopped dead in his tracks with his mouth wide open. I honestly don’t think he realized this was real.

I look down and pretend to realize he’s there…and I just hop off.

Dinner Conversation

For once I wasn’t working in a restaurant but dining in one. I barback, I seat guest, I’ve been thrown on the dish line, I’ve even grabbed a skillet and spatula at one point. But tonight, tonight is the night I am in a dining room without waiting on someone. Someone….dare I say it, will wait on me.


It comes with mixed emotions because I’ve been there, but it’s also nice to see that the “grass is greener on the other side.” My friend picked the place and said to meet him there for dinner. I get a text that he’s running late and I’ve already been seated, but that’s okay because I’m being waited on. Doesn’t hurt to also know he won’t be offended if I don’t wait and order a drink.

I soak it all in. I can’t help but to people watch…

The couple next to me is seated. A guy and a woman. I say guy because he’s not dressed too shabby but is wearing an uncomfortable looking button down, newer or hardly worn and a bit too tight around his gut. The woman with him looks a bit shy, but smiles and laughs when he says something remotely funny. First date? Second date?

That social contract. They’re both trying to be extra polite and you can tell because it doesn’t come naturally.

“sir, your drink?” – – “I’ll have another”

They get menus and he immediately blurts out, “It all looks so good” – – “mmhmm! what are you going to have?”

It kills me to watch, but my appetite grows and it gets better.

“So do you like Stargate?” – – “whats that?” (then the explanation of Stargate)

No dude! Do not lead off with that.

She asks what do you do for a living. I can’t hear at this point because some other table adjacent to us is seated, but he makes the motion with both of his hands, I kid you not, points his two thumbs at himself and nods. What I can only assume “I’m that guy” whatever that guy does.

I hear her say “oh wow, that sounds important” it’s genuine enough his ego is satiated for now, but I know…I know she doesn’t mean it. He could have said rocket scientist, marine biologist, physician…but she was not impressed. I cannot see any of those professions pointing their two thumbs at themselves anyways. Unless he said physician and was a proctologist and was demonstrating what he saw during the day.

The lady excuses herself, what I hope is to escape this horrible first date.

The guys pulls out his phone and starts texting, takes a selfie with a thumbs up (what the hell is with the thumbs up?). He takes a deep drink of water and spills a bit, wipes it off and looks around. I don’t need to turn away I’m directly in his sight and I don’t really care if he sees that I saw. We make eye contact and he dilates. I stare through as if I’m not paying attention, but really…how can I not?

He nonchalantly puts the phone in his jacket pocket not where he had it before and leans back in his chair and begins to look around. He too is now people watching.

His date must be returning because he sits up straight goes back to hands at his side.

My friend finally arrives…



Do you remember writing notes in class?

I remember when we figured out we could pass notes in pens.

It started out with markers. Hella juvenile because, like, who needs an orange magic marker for 6th grade notes? Right?

Future twisters found their early calling, rolling those notes up so tight that you could pass them in the body of any brand of ballpoint.

That’s why I write.

Because I have to.

Because I want to and you are telling me I can’t/shouldn’t.

I write because I want to.

I write because I have to.

I write like I breathe.

Everyday. Without failure, until I do. Without failure, until I must.

This is very much me, and I do not feel the need to find another reason to explain myself, other than I want to. Very much. We’ll get to that…

Fuck with me, or don’t. I have a lot to say. Feel free to change the channel.